2017 Punniest of Show contestants were invited to provide a transcript to the Pun-Off producers. Thank you Kirk Miller for collecting, typing, and Brian Combs for adding the transcripts to the YouTube recordings of the performances. All transcripts are copyright by their respective authors. Please do not copy or reuse without asking for the author’s permission.
#2 – Jake Morrison
This is dedicated to my wife, who is from Wisconsin. She’s not been feeling dairy well, and she’s rather feta up with the isolation. I told her I didn’t give edam about the cost, I wanted to show her a gouda time even if it maytag it out of her. We went to the aquarium, her favorite there was a Monterey, Jack was his name. I wanted to take her to see a movie, but she told me she Havarti seen it. By then we realized it was cheddar for her to stay inside, so we invited friends over for some D&D, because my wife plays a barbar-brie-n who can use a grate axe in battles. They readied to fight the dread Muenster Queen Gorgon, Zola. With the parmesean of the local mayor, her party Caerphilly built a defensive Roquefort for their town. There was no Whey they curd-n’t withstand the onslaught of gruyere-some foes. Or so I thought. While the mayor was giving a speech, a goblin assassin drew a bow and fired. Asadero flew in, with no sound but the swiss of air whisking by, the mayor was taken out. I thought that arrow Colby the end, as the party was under attack before they could comte a decision. My wife ran into the woods, thinking to flank the enemies. She saw a bear and asked if it was a magic bear, and I said, “Sorry love, it’s a camembert.” She was derby from splashing through mud in the woods, so she blended right in. She am-bleu-shed the monsters, but by that point she was wheely tired, so we called it a night. It shows that even when you are sick, there are stiltons of things to do if you put your mind to it. And that’s my story, oh queso long.
#3 – Kate McCordie
Dear Martin, I remember the night I first saw you. It was a true auto body experience. You flashed your pearly brights at me, and I lit up. I should have known then what would happen. Your slick words were too well-oiled, your easy grin perfected. So many of my friends told me to steer clear of you. But I couldn’t help it! My love for you only waxed, never waned. You brought me sedandelions, and I picked the pedals one at a time. He loves me. He loves me not. The chemistry between us was hondaniable. I had met my match, I knew it. The night you met me you said: “Candle, I don’t mean to rubber you the wrong way. But Jesus chrystler, you are so hot – you are really lanturning me on. I think you are just tealightful! I just got Chevrolet’d off so I can’t aford much, but I do promise to make you so happy. I have one qwick question to axle you. Wheel you marry me?” I melted. I really thought our love would stand the tesTla. But soon came the bumps in the road. We drove each other crazy. But we couldn’t light go. “Candle, stick with me,” you would command. But still, with every move I made I seemed to tire you. Every interaction ended with me piston you off and we would leave each other – exhausted. I started to drink a lot of en-gin and tonics, you became real friendly with the beer throttle too. It was turmoil. Of c-horse power went to your head and in the blinker of an eye, you so quickly began to frangrantly disregard all of my feelings. You ford focused only on yourself, petrolling around with all those buddies of yours. But in your van-ity, you were convinced the world should re-Volvo around you. Then I found out about her. Your new flame. I get it. She’s electrifying and bright. She is a jeep thrill, Martin. If I had to carborate-her, I would give her a 0. But then again, ford knows you’re only fueled by what turns you on. This is not a scandle that I will stick around for. If it’s mitsubi,shi is all yours. Have a Goodyear. Have a good life. I’ll always love you. That’s not true. You’re such an Aston, Martin. I hope these words wreck you and I hope you HyunDIE.
#6 – Andrew Rhyne
When I woke up this morning, I knew I needed to start the day off right: with some breakfast cereal. It wasn’t just some General run-of-the-Mills day, no, it was a very Special K because today’s the always cheery o henry pun-off. So I got out of bed, and I don’t cereal well, so I have to put on my glasses before heading downstairs. In the kitchen, I see my mom and my Corn Pops, and my sister, Reese, is eating her cereal like she always does: Witherspoon. She’s great and all, but the Honey Smacks when she eats all the time. And she will only eat “the breakfast of champions”, and Wheat-tease her a lot for it because she says it makes her faster or something, but it’s probably just another one of Reese’s Bluffs. She’s a little out of the Froot Loop. So I go to get my own box, and oh honey not Cheerios, no. It turns out Fiber Won my choice. Not the craziest choice, but hey, their sales are going up, it’s a Raisin’ Brand. It’s a new box, and I’m hungry so I break fast that most important seal of the day, pour the milk in the bowl, put back on that cap n’ crunch down my breakfast. Well, most of my breakfast. I was just leaving when my brother, Sam walked in, and I told him, “Hey I can’t finish that bowl but Toucan, Sam.” Now, you may have to take this with a Whole Grain of salt, but when I shop, I buy a lot of cereal. I get another cart, though, I mean, I know not to put all my Eggo’s in one basket. Anyway, yesterday, as the icing on the flake, I found the cereal I had spent Mini Wheats searching for. Alpha-Bits! Now, Al-phe-Bet that’s not what you expected. But the name is a pun. I mean puns and cereal? What a great mix! But everything that glitters isn’t Gold-en Grahams tend to break apart, so I want to take a few quick Chex inside the box first, make sure there aren’t any Trix. But the seal was really tight so, I ended up spilling the cereal everywhere. But hey, that’s Life.
#7 – Daniel Grosser
Did you hear about the pretty girl and her flatulent boyfriend? They didn’t last very long. Pretty soon she was Gone with the Wind. I’m something of a movie enthusiast. I’m also a pun enthusiast. And it’s always been something of a Fantasia for me to combine the two. But I’m kind of nervous—to calm me down I had to count each of The 39 Steps I took to get up here. Sometimes I’ll get off to a Rocky start and I’ll need a moment to lean on a Citizen Kane or something to get my balance again. Maybe what I really need is to rub the film from my eyes and check out television a little. That new miniseries about OJ, for example, looked pretty good—but I bet it killed them that the name Pulp Fiction was already taken. My girlfriend’s not quite as into movies as I am but she loves puns. Right now I kind of wish it had Ben-Hur up here. She’d remind me that politics is for The Birds—but if you’ll indulge me a moment, I’d just like to point out that I feel like I’m trapped in a reality TV show—but the reason for that is trapped in the Casablanca right now, so I guess that’s only fair. Anyway, that’s all for me. If you didn’t like it, you can feel free to David Lynch me—he’s one of my favorite directors, after all.
#8 – Chris McNett
One day I went to MEET a BEEFy guy named CHUCK. “Thanks for coming BISON,” he said. He’d been BACON a pie and offered me a slice. He wanted to TACOver something with me. He asked me, “You want to go to VENICE-SON?” He had an idea to rob a British nobleman named Sir LLOYN at his Italian estate. I said “PORK-que no?” It was a CLEAVER idea. I was kinda worried I’d BUTCHER the job, but I was like “Ko, sher! I like the cut of your JIB. LET’S make a team.” I was still kinda CHICKEN, but I THIGHed, “It’s BREAST not to worry,” so on a WING and a prayer, we hopped on TURKEYsh Airlines and off we went. “ANDOUILLE have a plan,” I asked. The STEAKS were high. Well, GAL-BI damned, Chuck had a whole safecracking set in the CAR-NEATEST thing I’ve ever seen. The security was OFFAL, so we climbed through an open window and got to work. We got the safe open and filled our pockets with MEDALLIONS—I thought it was a SALAMI dunk—but then Sir Lloyn’s kid walked in! We’d been re-VEALed in our HAM-fisted attempt! I yelled at the kid, “I’m gonna CHASHU down.” We chased him outSIDE, but he started to run toward a police car to BRAISE the alarm, and I didn’t want to BRISKET. So we sped off in the car, the police TAILing us closely. Soon we were FLANKed on both sides and a Police car T-BONEd us! BOOM, everything was on fire, it was HOT, DOG-gone-it, hotter than the TENDER LOINS of a NEW YORK STRIPper. Cops were everywhere. I tried to PANCETTA few of them but I missed. So we ran as quick ASPICcould. It was still FLA’MIGNON-der as we ran into the forest. We were on the LAMB, CHOPPin’ through underbrush, when my leg got CUT! “LET’s stop here, and rest on the GROUND, CHUCK,” I said. HAL, ALL the GROUND ROUND here’s muddy, I MUTTONED to myself, but I had to take care of my leg. It was a GRISTLEy sight, and I couldn’t walk any further. So I just laid there and watched a MEATIER shower till the cops caught me. They really GRILLED me, but luckily the PROSCIUTTO didn’t file charges, and now I’m free, I got my BABY BACK, and as President RUMP would say, I won bigly.
#9 – Sean Carey
(Drunk Tony Stark) God, there’s so many hipsters here! I feel like I’m watching Cardigans of the Galaxy! You though, madam? You’re actually pulling the cardigan off. You can totally Rocket. Never teach dancing trees how to do math. You just end up with a bunch of square Groots. You know what I hate? Those super-zeroes from DC comics. Batman challenged me to a battle of the billionaires. Ha! I don’t want to Bruce his ego, but he’s Wayne over his head. He should just mind his Manors. He asked me to help him clean up Gotham, but I’ve Bane there for like three months and no-one is willing Two Face me. To try and draw the Joker out, I wrote a five line poem about his girlfriend. I’m so excited I can Harley Quinn-tain myself. Poor Batman, though. Being played by Ben Affleck next? UGH. I’d rather have a Poison I-V. Yes, I’ve been to Asgard. No, I don’t want to talk about it. It’s a real Thor spot for me. Truth is, I’m trying to keep it Lo-ki, because I Odinson money. I can’t complain about the Hulk. He’s had a Banner year. You know who I really feel bad for, though? Black Widow. In today’s climate, opportunities for female agents to advance are almost entirely capped in America. To be totally honest, I didn’t script all of these puns. I had a little help from a Ghost Rider. You’re buzzing me off? You’re buzzing ME off? This is not right! I’m up here, working my puns off to entertain this crowd! While you just sit there buzzing people? I save lives! I work out! I do cardio! I RUN, MAN!
#10 – Arun Debray
So a little bird told me this story… but owl sparrow you the details. The weather’s quite pheasant on this Hawk-tober day in Phoenix. There’s a footrace going on, with a full rooster of competitors. They stand at the starling line. The ref cocks his ibis-tol, says “on your lark,” and flyers! Hen they’re off! Stephen Seagull wren like he was robin someone. Drake was quite the roadrunner; he’s no rook-ie. Matthew Macaw-naughey had a stork of bad cluck: he passed a crane, but wasn’t casso-wary enough, didn’t duck in time, and hit it her-on. After pidgeon forward and warbling back and forth, he lost too much time. His goose was cooked. He groused about it, but he said “no egrets” and emu-ved on — it wasn’t that bad of a mallardy. Jay-Z was running swift-ly, but took a wrong tern and is flamin-go out! It blew-Jay’s chances, but he swallowed his pride and kept running. John Oli-bird was stopped by a fissure in the ground, such a huge fissure it was a kingfissure! Feather back, there’s no dove lost between Stephen Gull-bert and the Roc: “The Roc thinks you’re too chicken to do this.” “That’s cuckoo! If you can I toucan.” “What a cheep shot, dodo.” “The pell-i-can’t win this!” “No falcon way. The Roc says that part’-ridge.” But look! Idris Albatross is coming from behind. It’s the rhea deal folks! He’s e-quail with Condor-leeza Rice! He’s thrushing past Vi-owl-a Davis! He’s bunting Kiwi Herman to second place! It’s all plover now… AND HE PASSES THE FINCH LINE!!! The buzzard has sounded. The crow-d goes wild! Asked how he won, he said “I’ll talk turkey with you. My cardinal rule’s to take the first grassy path I see, and it turned out to be a huge shortcut.” The moral of the story is the early berm gets the word.
#13 – Jonathan Faulkner
I love Michael Jackson. I used to dance around pretending I was one of his brothers, but that’s not really Jermaine. I got tickets to my first concert on my 16th birthday, I was too old for Bubbles and Moonwalks. My friends Billy and Diana drove with me. On the way to the concert I heard sirens and Man in the mirror I saw flashing lights. I know I am not so smooth but criminal? They stopped me cause my back wheels were flat. I guess I was two tired. I got out and they helped me fix them, but by then my pants and shoes were covered in dirt. I had to wear Billie’s Jeans and not my loafers. We didn’t have bad seats like in sections P, Y, T. We had good seats so I walked up the rows A, B, C, 1, 2, 3, Not a Bad seat, a little Dangerous to be so close. I was so excited that I looked at Diana and pointed to my seat and said, This girl is mine. But she’s a little off the wall so it didn’t thriller. I looked up and saw a blanket dangling precariously from the balcony, on it was a Pepsi logo and I knew I was in for a good Pop show. I mean, he was on fire! He was Maried at the time and my backstage pass Pressley stated that I could meet him and his wife or Lisa band member or two. I got close enough to talk to him and said “White Gloves got to do with it.” He shook his head in disappointment, and said that’s Tina Turner, Beat it…just Beat it. And handed me a raw egg before I was whisked away by security.
#14 – Southpaw Jones (First Place)
Tomorrow’s Mother’s day, so give me a wide birth from this gestation, period. Not to bore children, crown around, or stirrup trouble, but to breech a little spermon induce labor-ious minutes for my mom and all Lamaze newborn not. I’m gonna trimester to come to term with it all, but I’m tearing up already. Mom, thank you for giving me womb to grow, for halloweening, for a family of huggers & huggies, for protesting any sign that cesarean section, for soup when I had a cough. You didn’t just cervix. For the what do you colicky to the door of life’s intercourse that fallopian tube be walked through. You managed to fetus on coo & fundus too, made sure my heart had love and lactate, pushed me to gamete my obligations, spit up straight, egg cell in school where I’d stretch marks as high as onesies. We went to church for maternal soul the grand canyon. That time engorgement so much kayaking. I had faith in utero me to shore. Now, as zygote through life, uterus-t me to live the values you placenta me. What to kn-OBGYN the world am I a letdown? Embryo-iled in crime. I know what it sounds like when a hormones. It was a centimeter and my athlete friend, I sold hemorrhoids. I feel like a real heel prick when we fight. It’s like a doula something, but if I umbilical cord-ially, I know you’ll VBAC on my side. I know lots of parents diaper season, but I object! Permanence, please! I don’t wanna feel that morning sickness. So live long and dilate. There’s a postpartum. Oh! And a mother thing. I love you, Mom!
#15 – Sirus Badiee
Hi my name is Sirus. It’s pronounced like Syrup and kabOOSE. I use syrup and kabOOSE because I have a sweet butt. I have a sweet butt and I’m kind of in shape but that should be no surprise because I’m from Iran. I ran to whole foods the other day and the only foods that had holes in them were their doughnuts. Doughnuts make me go nuts. Whenever I bite into one, I get lost in it. I’m in amaze….ment. Mints like tic tacs make your mouth feel really good. They make you feel like your mouth has won a game of tic tac toe. Tow trucks would be better if they could tow your whole foot. Bigfoot always looks shredded – I wonder if it’s because he hangs out with the abdominal snowman. Manatees disappointed by the letter T would say man a tee. Tea shirts are better than coffee shirts. Shirts and jeans are what I wear, my parents wear, my grandparents wear – I guess it’s just in our jeans. Jean pool sounds impossible to swim in. Swimmin’ in the ocean looks pretty clean probably because of all the mermaids. Maids are what we need for this Earth because people are polluting all over the world. We need to keep this planet clean people, it’s not Uranus.
#16 – Robert Ramon
People of Texas, as you cities in your seat I’m counties on your support in the argument of… Texas independence. And with your support, We’ll, Paso a Declaration to set us Frio. Our political system is en-Tyler-ly broken, and in the Wac-o’ what’s recently happened, we need to Burnet down. The last election was a Travis-ty. Boo, we all said. Trump denied that Russia was Midland in it; he’s an Austin-tatious liar. His Harris a comb-over, but we all know U-baldy. And do you remember the Corpse of Christi standing next to him? D-Alas, he is our president, for better or Fort Worth. On the other hand, Clinton has her own Webb of lies, she’s a Crockett shit. This ain’t the Hill Country. I preferred Boerne Sanders, so I left my ballot Blanco. And Trump – I don’t want to Waller border. In fact I want more Mexicans, some Nueces. We might get stopped and Frisco’d, but us Browns-ville overcome. Look, I Am-a-rill ol’ Texas boy. My brother and sister live here, I Lufkin. My Tarrants grew up here. My grandma, my Abliene-ta was born here. I know Texas values. For instance, I believe in the right to Bexar arms. We like country music, we don’t care to hear the Bastrop. This is a place where cattle graze on the Plano, horses eating Hays. So, sometimes I speak with a sadden tone/San Antone that we won’t get Pharr in this quest. But with your help, I think we could put a Denton this government. So Lubbock stops here. We need a Kill-een break from America. Du-val of you agree? I know I have your sup-Port, Ar-thur more of you? Judges, I’m counting on Houston,(you’s ten) and Houston, and the crowd will agree, O, dess-a good score. Come one, Comal, be heard in this campaign! Write us, call us, Texas/text us.
#18 – Annica Eagle (Third Place)
To the 115th United States Congress: There’s something we need to address. We are facing the greatest healthcare crisis of our attire lives. The recent House vote was a sock to the gut. They — very shorts-ightedly — gartered enough votes to repeal the ACA. Kicking 24 million people off insurance is sarong! You say we’d be protected under the new plan; underwear? Coverage is not a shirt thing. Born with a poor livery from your mom jeans? That pre-existing condition wouldn’t qualify. We tried to halter at least slow this process, but the average Joe has only so many daisy dukes it out before giving up, while some of us will drink girdled milk before we resign. Don’t drive us off a cliff; pullover and parka our car and figure this out. What Obamacare slacks, let’s repair rather than replace. Have the vertebra to support the American people, which should be no sweater something clothes to that. Every time we show our cardigan, our copays rise, and then our insurance will jacket up even more. Overalls, something must change. ‘Hopefully, the Senate will take stocking our priorities. We won’t stand for these capers. We the people are actually the 4th branch of government; pinafore on your chest to remind you, to keep your corset on what’s best for the country. What is right will pre-veil. Blazer trail for lawmakers to come. In-vest in our future. Otherwise, the lawyers will come with their briefs and their suits, to challenge your fabricated numbers, your tee-sing of false promises. All you hat to do was stop jerkin us around. Sari, but you sons of britches let us down, excuse my trench. You should’ve kilt this repeal. I hope you shawl help us before we’re all gown. ‘Spanx for your time, Annica Eagle, Washington State
#19 – Kate Howard
Amethyst-er of Mercy. Mica-ling is true. I might Diamond stran-Zircon artists than you. You say your heart’s Sapphire, but you’re Iron Pyrite now, too. Lust is a Cinnabar is Agate to hell. Your eph-Emerald works give your Ma Turquoise to drink Quartz of ink. Jewel Ruby-ing low Cassiterite Onyx surface, But jabs Sardonyx serve no purpose. Don’t act a Fool’s Gold me if you Muscovite Olivine Opals Ore for a ci-Garnet-flix night. I’ll be at the convent on Co-Malachites I’ll fly. A bien-Topaz to you.
#21 – Max Parke
Baby, I know I’ve been Spacey lately, but you Suit me. Jupiter believe it this time. When I met you, I was Delta strong hand. I knew it from the first time I took you out to Launch. I remember when I caught A Scent of you coming into the room. Enter prize. I thought we were Fairing well, until the Separation. I’ve come to my senses Atlas. You’re a Gem and I need to appreciate you better. I’ve been too self centered, I Apollogize. Us is not just me, Uranus. I’ll use my words, no matter what Shuttle come our way, when we have a problem we should Hubble up and talk about it. Fighting won’t solve our problems, Lovell. You-stun me. I’m Missing Control over myself. There’s no esCape. Canaveral my words say what you mean to me? I told my friends about you, “Soyuz guys, I just met the most amazing girl. She’s no Mir floozy.” And just the other day I Spot Nick, and he tells me if I don’t go Aldrin on you I must be crazy. “You’re a Loon, or land her.” I’m down in front of you, I Kneel Arms Strong in the air, knowing what I want. I swear, I’ll do whatever you need. When you get tired, I’ll play your Nap Tune. I’ll play that Discovery time. I’ll love you in the good moments Orbiter ones. Sally Ride off into the sunset together? I promise, I will always love you, forever, Endeavor.
#25 – Caitlin Teasdale
Have you been reading volcanoes monthly? It’s a great magmazine. It’s taking a Krakatoa-d subjects, making a dormant discussion active. It’s really blowing up the newsstands! A Lava people have been reading it, obsidian amounts of people. I had to caldera my bff just to vent about it. I said, “Cone I ash you something, Dante’s Peak to me about this issue. It’s basin an article from last month on delicious Fuji from Erupt.” This mantle me it’s sounds even crater than this month’s article on how to keep girls and geysers faithful when you get old.. I was like, yellow? Stone’t tell me what’s better. A rift formed between us then, which makes me sulphur-ious. But then I heard from Ash that he’s got a Ring of Fire, which is a cupola problems I don’t need. I’m not dome. You’d have to be an igneous to fall for that. Then he had the balls of fire to tell me he’s a pyro…clastic pick-up line. He’s so full of hot air. So he’s now my extinct friend. So glad I don’t have to put up with his basalt on my senses anymore. Return that one to cinder. Anyway, you should check it out. I pumice you will like it.
#26 – Diana Gruber
You know what really bugs me about our electoral system? There’s always so many blood-sucking parasites – all these poly-ticks! And last election, we had to choose between the lesser of two weevils! In the end, Trump won, and orange you glad he did? The Republicans invited him to comb over to their side, and even then, he only won by a hair. He’s been giving presidential tweetment. His advisors have been Bannon him from his phone, showing him who’s DeVos! And they’re all abandoning him – even Kellyanne seems to have Conway! And Sean Spicer? Sean barely even know’er! And Mr. Trump, what’s this I hear about your “performance issues”? Seems your pole is taxed, even with Mel-on-ya! Your wife tells us you get it all trumped up, only to have it trickle down. Maybe it’s cuz you’re Russian it, but I think you’re in-Putin-t. Sounds like it’s time for a re-erection. Let’s get rid of Trump and his gang of outlaws – grab ’em by the posse! We need a new caucus. Cock us? He barely even knows us! Problem is, who’d replace him? Hillary didn’t fit the Bill, and she wasn’t the best f-email for the job. Plus, she’s not feeling well lately. Intestinal problems – she’s Ben-Gassy. She would only win if multiple people like her husband voted for her. You know – ‘de plural Bills.’ The only thing that can save this nation is more punning! Let the punsters run the show! Gary Hallock for President! And the judges for his cabinet! No matter what side of “the wall” you’re on – whether punservative, or gliberal, such an event would be punpresidented. Together, we can make America groan again!
#27 – Toby Miceli-Gwiazdowski (Second Place)
It feels like our country is on trial so here is my OPUNNING STATEMENT. I’m calling you out, Trump. You say that you’re the President but you’re taking us over ALLEGE like we slipped on APPEAL and we’re not going to LAWYER round and take it. I dreamt I had a big fight with Trump, not some PLAINTIFF. I went to DC in the rain and ARRAIGNMENT I had to decide whether to ROE VS WADE across the Potomac, I took my boat to DOCKET, went to the CAPITOL OFFENSE, LITIGATE on fire INNOCENT Trump a message to meet me in the ALIBI the White House. He turns and CHARGES me, ATTORNEY will regret and I said “I am Toby and you can NOT GUILTY” JURISDICTION to power, your BOND to Russia- you can’t be in DEPOSITION to RULE. HEARSAY good idea- JUDGE resign. Give AFFIRM, “ACQUIT!” If you FELONIES and begged forgiveness, no one would MISDEMEANOR side of you. JUDICIAL this out, but you can’t take it. I’m Trump I OBJECTify women. I wish your father had WITHDRAWN. How could anyone think this OVERRULED when we SUSTAINED orange skin, that ACCESSORY he calls hair and those wrinkled SUITS. HOW DO YOU PLEAD? Without money you couldn’t COURT a woman. Poor Melania- when YOUR HONOR she knows what having to SETTLEMENT if your PENAL SYSTEM even works. Without wealth you’d go to a PROSECUTE and SOLICITER. It seems PROBABLE CAUSE for you it would be a PRO BONO no bone at all. You act like a ten but JUROR FOREMAN. You act dominant but I bet you’re a SUBPOENA lot. They’ve struck down every executive ORDER IN THE COURT! Just give it ARREST. Now SUMMON here think I should BAIL on this country. HABEUS! Don’t TESTIFY have commitment. I’m going to STAY and TAKE THE STAND I’m taking until EYE WITNESS this country EXHIBIT A new awakening whether I have to SEQUESTER search east. If you like what you’re HEARING come ENJOIN me, take your PARDON this movement, ADJUCATE yourself, PURJURE government of this false PRECEDENT. Now… where did I REST MY CASE?
#29 Michael Kohl
Sir, Ivanka welcome you to Hotel Trump. A finer hotel can no Manafort! There’s Bannon awful lot of bad press we’re Putin up with lately about small hands we’ve had in shady dealings, but them’s Scott Pruitt in a court of law! We do things legit, not the Conway! What’s your name? James, Mattis my name. James, Comey-r, let me give you a Tur. Of Gorsich a shame we’re Russian through this, but I NAFTA Kremlin two more Sessions today. So, here’s Nik-key-(Hey Lee, could you keep it down? I’m doing a pun-off routine. Thanks.) <BEEP> That’s the Key’s tone, excell-ent isn’t it? It was composed for us by the Notorious B.I.G… that Bigly is such a Bright Bard [Breitbart]! Hold on to that because if wuh-ki leaks [Wikileaks] we have to replace ’em all. Alright, there’s your Bed, Hombre – it was pillowed by our resident Kushner. We got your dining reservation for outdoors; you’ll be on Mah-lawn(y), yeah [Melania]? We already put in the Law-n Order for you, so you’re good to go. Transportation-wise we offer a Rides-Pree bus [Reince Priebus] service that you can Orange Hair. Last I checked there’ve also Ben Carson our garage so if you’d like to rent just ask Miss, Um, Erica downstairs—she’ll be one of the “Regs” Tillerson returns. Business center’s open every day except SAD. Last I checked the internet’s still down but Flynn the meantime just Yuge our Alternative: fax. Here’s Mike Pens in case you want to write anything down. I’m gonna get you some sparkling water. Rick! Perry-ay [Rick Perry] please. (Ugh, that guy Yates me.) I’ll tell you what: I’ll have the Nestea Woman bring up some refreshment. Here’s mah sugar. Feel free alter it; you can Sweden Mah-sugar [Sweden Massacre] or make it Spicer as you please. Ah, one last thing: if you’re thirsty right now… Bet’s-see… DeVos-et’s over here, and our tap water comes in three flavors: in mint, in mango, and Impeach. Thank you and have a pleasant stay!
#30 – Nikolai Vanyo
I hope diesel go over well, if this were letter graded I hope I’d get Chevrolets and gain a new Nissan life. I let my non-existent son Ari borrow my favorite star wars figurine, and he still hasn’t returned my Toy-Yoda. I can’t af-Ford to buy another so all I can do is Sigh-n’ move on. I would scold him but I heard if you show them Mercy, deez kids end up better as adults. So now I’m trying to decide what pet to get for-Ari, between a Lamb or Guinea Pig? My wife Lauren and I enrolled in an acting class together but we didn’t do too well. We both got a D’ Laurie n’ me. They didn’t believe my performances as Alf or Romeo. But Honda report card, it said a lot of things that made me think the teacher actually likes-us. But they didn’t refund our tuition, so I was like “Where’s my fee-at? What a Jeep.” But it’s ok because a Porche-n of it went to charity. A lot of people say that if the two legends of kung fu movies, Bruce and Jackie, got in a fight, Bruce would win, but I think Chan would have Bent Lee over his knee and left him Saab-ing. They were gonna make a gangster movie about my good friend who was a mobster, but my boo, Gotti didn’t give them his life rights. But to be honest, I dont like that guy any more, he’s a cad, he lacks respect for women. He’s just another one of those folks waggin his tongue at every pretty little thing. I mean Jesus Christ, learn from your mistakes. He did tell me that one time he was talking to president Bush while he was on the toilet and asked him, “How’s the BM, W?”… sorry for the Poo-Joke. My friend hurt himself dancing too hard to that new pop singer, and wants to press charges, I told him you can’t Sue-Bruno Mars. It’s kinda like when that old presidential candidate pressed charges against the band that sings “Stayin’ Alive,” Mitt-sued-Bee Gees. Do you like how I was Lincoln those together? I’m Audi. (Horn) Gee, MC, I thought I had till Infiniti.
#32 – Haley Haradon
Love is such a birden! Okay, this is Hawkward, but if you could Sparr-oh, a little of your time, I have an ex-Plover who broke up with me for her love of birds. This know this is a lot to Swallow but Owl be Swift… Pepper, This is my attempt to win you back, and Yes…I’m Winging this…Remember Wren I first met you, you were so Shriking… I thought “yea, I Woodpecker“…I said: “Thrush my Starling” and Ostriched my arm around you. I Craned my neck go give you a Kiskidee, and felt your Great-Blue Heron my face. You thought I was Finchresting, and kinda Coot and I thought you were Condorable. You said: “If I gave you my Kiwi could live together” I said Pelican do that, so we made a Pairofkeets, So I wouldn’t get Larked out. Always smiling, oh how we were a Peregrines! But… Those days are Crowver now that I realized that you Caracarabout birds more than me! Why? Ilfledgadly cause I wouldn’t pay the bills.. I Was to Cheeeep. I admit, I was young and you Sea-Gullable, and I know I can Peacocky… Feather or not it’s true, You have left me with too much to Grackle with. I feel unpheasant. I am ashamed to tell you I have been taking Quailuds. Cause my life is a Parroty without you! Penguin will you Macaw me back? I deserve to be tweeted as your Eagle! If you’re going to keep Raven about me to your friends behind my back, Say it don’t Osprey it.. Your Robin my heart! Us not together is an Albotrossity! It’s reduckulous! I’m getting overly-Emutional as tears make my face all Puffin… But I will keep Martin on… Beakause I know I Toucan have a second chance. Cause Chick-a-deep love is hard to find. Ibisically am your soulmate. I will always Dove you… and despite everything, I have No Egrets!!!